Reformed Articles

Storm Area 51

This post was originally published on this site

As many know, there’s a movement to storm Area 51.

Many Americans demand to know what the government has been hiding all these years. Specifically, many Americans wish to see the alien bodies and alien technology that the government has kept under wraps. Americans have the right to know! The truth is out in there…somewhere!

It’d also be nice to know whether JFK, Elvis, and 2Pac are still alive. And how they escaped from the clutches of Bubba Ho-tep.

However, the US Air Force has issued a stern warning:

What started as a tongue-in-cheek plan by UFO enthusiasts to storm a notoriously secretive U.S. Air Force base to “see them aliens” has turned into a national security issue. The U.S. Air Force has now offered a word of caution to the more than half a million people who said they would be attending the Facebook event “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us” in September: “[Area 51] is an open training range for the U.S. Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces,” spokeswoman Laura McAndrews told The Washington Post. “The U.S. Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets.” Despite the warning, users are still posting memes theorizing the best way to break into the top-secret facility on the event page, where organizers said, “If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets.”

There’s likewise evidence the organizers are in collusion with the Russians due to identical strategies in war: send more people than bullets.

A key problem for people who wish to storm Area 51 is that the US military possesses the Active Denial System (ADS) which emits a non-lethal “heat ray” against targets:

However, I believe there’s a perfectly simple and relatively inexpensive way to foil the ADS: people merely need to make sure to cover their entire bodies with body armor consisting of aluminum foil because aluminum foil can deflect these emissions from the ADS. For maximal protection, people should fashion this aluminum foil into the shape of a hat.